Patrick Christiana's Political Affiliation Quiz

Patrick Christiana is the best political humor columnist the Beacon has ever had. Anyway, he offered up a quiz to help people determine their political affiliation. You can view it here. Anyway, here's my answers:

Part one. Please answer yes or no.
No. 1. Do you wear Birkenstocks?
no

No. 2. Have you ever been to a monster truck rally?
no

No. 3. Do you own a Che Guevara T-shirt?
no, but I would probabyl be okay with wearing one

No. 4. If a woodchuck could chuck wood, would that make it an environmental hazard?
probably not, unless an endangered species was hit by the falling tree

No. 5. Have you ever burned a Dixie Chicks album?
What would that solve? I propose burning the Dixie Chicks themselves.

No. 6. Do you eat tofu?
Ew...

No. 7. If a tree falls in the woods and it hits Ann Coulter, do you care?
Well, I would be depressed because I would be forced to be original instead of having someone like her to make fun of in my columns. On the other hand, if she were to be killed, I could always change targets to Chris Hedgepeth. He's just about as bad.

No. 8. Have you ever purchased a fish taco?
Is that a euphamism for buying a prostitute?

No. 9. Does anyone still like Madonna?
Well, she is the mother og Jesus...

No. 10. Do these pants make me look fat?
Those don't, but the polka-dotted spandex you wore to The Carousel was just wrong.

Great job! Give yourself ten points for getting this far. Unless you said I look fat, then you only get five points.

Part two. Circle one.
No. 11. Larger hurricanes are the result of (a) Global Warming (b) the Wrath of God
Global Warming is caused by the Wrath of God. Duh.

No. 12. If I had to chose, I would drive (a) a tractor (b) a golf cart (c) the General Lee

No. 13. These bones in the ground, they belong to (a) dinosaurs (b) dragons

Satan put dinosaur bones there to confuse us!

No. 14. I find the fact that Bill O’Reilly sexually harassed a co-worker (a) upsetting, he has important things to say (b) vindicating, he’s a real jerk (c) irrelevant (d) arousing

Those tapes were hawt...

No. 15. My favorite movie is (a) “Fahrenheit 9/11” (b) “Pearl Harbor” (c) “A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors”

Dream warriors!!!

No. 16. For Halloween, I thought I would scare people by dressing as (a) a terrorist (b) a French person (c) cyborg Dick Cheney (d) President Hillary Clinton

President Ann Coulter!

No. 17. I think guns (a) are great, we need more, yee-haw (b) should only be used to abort babies (c) I have shot myself in the foot and cannot finish this questionnaire

Should only be used to abort baby puppies.

No. 18. I would love to deny having sexual relations with (a) Jenna Bush (b) Vanessa Kerry (c) Nancy Reagan

Any chance I can hook up a Jenna Bush/Vanessa Kerry 3-way?

No. 19. In your dreams, (a) Bill Clinton is dictator for life (b) George Bush is your significant other/life partner (c) everyone is Christian (d) you are the Wizard Master

I don't have to dream to be the Wizard Master.

No. 20. When the Vols lose a football game, I tend to (a) cry and drink until I pass out (b) write geeky letters into the Beacon (c) be thankful that I bet they wouldn’t cover the spread (d) I only watch figure skating

Who are the vols?

No. 21. I think that President Bush’s speeches are (a) inspiring (b) infuriating (c) hilarious (d) arousing

Unlike Bill O'Reilley, I don't touch myself when George Bush speaks.

No. 22. I find former comedian turned political satirist Janeane Garofalo to be (a) unfunny (b) annoying (c) insufferable (d) I think you are using the term “comedian” a little too loosely

Um...D

No. 23. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (a) is an evil Republican (b) is an evil Democrat pretending to be a Republican (c) was great in “Last Action Hero” and should get to grope all the women he wants

I loved Last Action Hero! Grope away Mr. S.!

No. 24. To me, gay marriage is (a) a constitutional right (b) a sin in the eyes of God (c) way hot when it involves two chicks

Hawt.

No. 25. If there is one thing I hate, it is (a) George Bush (b) Bill Clinton (c) France (d) America (e) War (f) Peace (g) Wal-Mart (h) Sean Penn (i) sarcastic columnists (j) when your roommate puts his feet up on the sink and cuts his toenails

Sarcastic columnists piss me off.

No. 26. You are deep in the Mountain King’s lair. The orcs are closing in on you and you are out of magic arrows. There is a tunnel to your left. A rope hangs in front of you. What will you do?

I went down the tunnel, but you forgot about my +3 dagger of Minotaur slaying :p

Mwahahaha!